Today I realized that something is wrong. Something is wrong with me, this town, and Oceania itself. My ankle felt the worse it has felt in ages, it is so bad I can barely climb up stairs. My estate is called Victory mansions, but there is nothing victorious about it, it is old, gross, the elevator is broken (part of the reason why my ankle hurts), and the people are horrible. I feel like I'm always being watched, and the War Is Peace poster is really starting to annoy me. DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER! I believe the Parsons' children are overtaking their family. The parents are scared of them and are unable to stand up for themselves. The children accused me of thoughtcrime, I believe I might be caught by these children or some other thought police really soon. I also remembered my dream of O'Brian when he told me "We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness." What does this mean? Could this possibly be my sub-conscious predicting the future? I guess I'll just have to wait and see... I also had another odd dream to say the least. I was with my mother on a sinking ship, I felt as if it was all my fault, like my mother was dying because of me, could this mean that it was my fault she died? I also dreamt of the strange brown haired lady taking her clothes off and taking me in an act of rebellion. These dreams have brought me into to thinking about my childhood, which I can barely remember.
Dear Diary,
Today I went to my work. I had to update Big Brother's orders and his party records. I hate his orders! He cannot stand the idea of himself being wrong so he forces people like me to re-write the history. People are given less food, but are told tat they are given more food then ever before. I had lunch with a man named Syme today. He is a Party member who revises the Newspeak dictionary. He wants to limit the possible so that it is harder for people to commit thoughtcrime. I also feel that I am being watched by the brown haired lady. I saw her staring at me today. I am worrying that she is a Party spy. I feel that she is the exact opposite of my ex-wife Katherine, she hated sex. I want to rebel so badly, I just want to yell profanities at the top of my lungs. Any hope for a revolution lies in the Proles. They are 85% of the population so if they had the brainpower, they would be able to rebel. I am becoming more and more confused about the past every day. I wrote a letter to O'Brien, I can tell that he feels that rebellion is needed. I also have realized that since you practically are not allowed to say anything without breaking a law, so true freedom is to be able to say 2+2=4. I walked through the prole district, and I wish that I was one of them. Their lives are so simple, nothing to worry, or think about. I saw an old man and asked him about the past, but sadly he was unable to answer these questions because he also had no recollection of the past. I saw the dark-haired girl following me today. I am feeling suicidal and feel that it would be quicker and less painless to kill myself and if the Party catches me they will torture me as well.
